If you wouldn't mind...

koVenant · 12-07-2009, 02:41 PM

I just wrote up a rough draft proposal to the head of my school, asking that we please install folding at home on all of their computers. If you wouldn't mind checking my proposal for errors or things i may be confused on I'd greatly appreciate it. My knowledge of biology is pretty limited so that is why it's kind of vague in that regard.

Quote:

Folding at Home Proposal by Alex Share
I first started using folding at home on my personal computers back in my freshman year of high school (2005-06) and have been actively participating in this program over the years. The idea of this application was conceived at Stanford University by a group of computer enthusiasts looking for way to put their computers to good use when they were idling. What better thing to do with your computer than to try and solve problems that, until folding at homes creation, would have been thought to be impossible.

Currently worldwide there are just over 250 Thousand computers going through the extremely complex job of what we call, Folding, proteins. Proteins are biology's workhorses, they are microscopic machines that carry out very specific jobs in all living things. But before they can do their jobs, they must first build themselves, or, fold. What this program does is simulate the infinite ways that all the many different proteins might fold and the outcomes. By doing this we hope to find cures to many illnesses that we, at the moment, cannot solve, for example, Alzheimer's, Huntington's, Parkinson's disease and many of the cancers.

You may be thinking, what do proteins have to do with these sicknesses? Well, the reason that these illnesses occur in our bodies is because of protein miss-folding. When proteins do not assemble properly they cannot carry out their jobs and the body will mal-function.

Folding @ Home has been around for 8 years now and it has managed to acquire ~35 thousand more contributors each year. This program is available for Mac computers and will not hinder their performance in any way, the application will only use system resources and computing power when there is no other process demanding anything. The folding at home application is at the bottom of the priority list as far as allocating system resources is concerned.

**Grez** · 12-07-2009, 03:59 PM

I've made a couple of minor grammatical tweaks/suggestions in green below...
__________________

Folding at Home Proposal by Alex Share

I first started using folding at home on my personal computers back in my freshman year of high school (2005-06) and have been actively participating in this program over the years. The idea of this application was conceived at Stanford University by a group of computer enthusiasts looking for way to put their computers to good use when they were idling. What better thing could one do with their computer than to try and solve problems that, until folding at home's creation, would have been thought to be impossible?

Currently worldwide there are just over 250 Thousand computers going through the extremely complex job of what we call "folding" proteins. Proteins are biology's workhorses; they are microscopic machines that carry out very specific jobs in all living things. But before they can do their jobs, they must first build themselves, or fold. What this program does is simulate the infinite ways that all the many different proteins might fold and the potential outcomes. By doing this, we hope to find cures to many illnesses that we, at the moment, cannot solve. Some examples include: Alzheimer's, Huntington's, Parkinson's disease, and many of the cancers.

You may be thinking, "what do proteins have to do with these sicknesses?" Well, the reason that these illnesses occur in our bodies is because of protein misfolding. When proteins do not assemble properly, they cannot carry out their jobs and the body will malfunction.

Folding at Home has been around for eight years now and it has managed to acquire roughly 35,000 more contributors each year. This program is available for both PC and Mac computers and will not hinder their performance in any way. The application will only use system resources and computing power when there is no other process demanding anything. The Folding at Home application is at the bottom of the priority list as far as allocating system resources is concerned.

______________________

Some of the suggestions that I made were not so much corrections as just ways to ensure that your sentence structure was as strong as possible. Others were grammatical corrections or just tweaks for consistency (for instance, you labeled the app "Folding at Home" at the top, but later called it "Folding @ Home" and also used it without capitalization...it's always best to choose a format and stick with it).

I hope this helps you out. Your content is very good. I might also suggest, however, that you add a summary paragraph alongs the lines of "it is for this reason that I believe yadda yadda yadda yadda." You've explained what Folding at Home is, basically how it works, what it hopes to achieve, and pre-empted the concern that it might cause performance issues. Now, to be most effective, you should sum up what the benefit is to your school or to the society it is intended to serve. Something that you should always keep in mind whenever you are writing a persuasive letter or giving a presentation is to be sure to go beyond the facts and get to the WIIFY. That is, What's In It For You.

ugzkmk · 12-08-2009, 12:37 AM

technically you are supposed to use "he/she, his/her" when referring to an individual possessive as opposed to their because that generally implies multiple people possessive.

"What better thing could one do with his/her computer than "

Irish2685 · 12-08-2009, 12:44 AM

I think it looks good, and I agree with what Grez is saying. Another thing to consider is, you might want to add a smidge more about the program itself, since that's what you want them to use. I would also go to the science department, whether the individual teachers themselves, or the head of the department, and get them interested as well. Their positive opinions on the matter might just sway the argument in your favor more than if you were to go about it on your own.

**Grez** · 12-08-2009, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ugzkmk

technically you are supposed to use "he/she, his/her" when referring to an individual possessive as opposed to their because that generally implies multiple people possessive.

"What better thing could one do with his/her computer than "

Good catch. Although, I always feel like he/she is awkward wording, and try to avoid it whenever possible and keep things gender-neutral.

Here's how I would re-word this:

What better thing could people do with their computers

That both solves my goof and avoids the he/she trap.

ugzkmk · 12-08-2009, 10:55 AM

i mean in general its a good proposal and a good idea, when i was in school we had about 6 labs all with computers that just idled, running folding@ during the off hours would have been a great idea.

to be honest, if ur principal likes the idea, it might worth nudging if you could get him to submit it do the district.

i know after reading this, im going to ask my buddy (who is a superintendent in new jersey if he has any push/pull in a thing like this.

koVenant · 12-08-2009, 01:39 PM

Yea, i honestly think all computers should come with this program pre-installed, but hey that's just me. If every public/private school did it, boy would that make one hell of a difference.

**Xoxide_Cory** · 12-08-2009, 02:24 PM

I'm sure everyone is familiar with the science teacher who was fired recently for running folding@home on his lab computers?

koVenant · 12-08-2009, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxide_cory

i'm sure everyone is familiar with the science teacher who was fired recently for running folding@home on his lab computers?

what was he thinking, destroyer of innocence!

**C.Hill** · 12-08-2009, 02:56 PM

Heh, go read the press release given by either the principal or the superintendent. Shows how well the school system really works lol.

**Grez** · 12-08-2009, 03:13 PM

I thought that guy got fired for running SETI@home. I hadn't heard of a science teacher getting fired for running folding@home. Linky?

camalotious · 12-12-2009, 01:47 AM

Yea it was SETI not folding@home. Personally it really bothers me that he was fired for running the program. I have read a few articles that paint him as a freak for thinking about aliens. The SETI project is a totally legitimate scientific project and running SETI@home is just as much an educational exercise as running folding@home.

**C.Hill** · 12-14-2009, 03:22 PM

You guys are right, my mistake. It was definitely SETI@home. Still, its a scientific distributed computing program. You'd think schools would be all over that stuff, maybe even trying to compete with other schools in the district for higher points or something.

ugzkmk · 12-15-2009, 02:08 AM

thats too logical.